You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
