I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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