i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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