plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
