i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
