She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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