So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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