is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
