I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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