I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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