Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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