I will die if light touches me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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