I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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