On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
