When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize