she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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