before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
