My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
