I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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