The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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