Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
