I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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