fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
