all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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