So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
