hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
