Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
