If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
