when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I could make wine with my vomit
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
