mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He felt like a one man threesome
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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