Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
