We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
