Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
