You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
