oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
