You can't special order awesome
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
