my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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