New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
