If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
