at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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