Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I faked an abortion last night.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
