onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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