Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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