It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
