Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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