My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
