wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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