totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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