The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
