in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
