Dual....:-)
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
