I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
