Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
