I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
