come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
