I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
